Driven home for Christmas

Andy Warhol said "Sex is nostalgia for Sex". I dont know about that, but Christmas is definitely nostalgia for Christmas. Obviously there's the "Santa really exists, arent toys brilliant" childhood nostalgia, but the thing which struck me when we went back to my parents was the nostalgia for being in the family home. I get this every year i'm not at home for Christmas and i get the feeling of missing out on something warm and friendly, but having been there it's always distinctly underwhelming. Not that i had a shit time, my mum and dad are always more than accomodating and generous, but seeing the people from school and my home town makes me thankful i got out of that shithole. my oldest friend and fellow evacuee was presented with his old school chums on xmas eve, and when he explained he works as a volunteer for amnesty international, was challenged and badgered about asylum seekers and other ignorant racist cliches. Whats my point? i always go off the boil a bit...

home is where the heart is?
racists oot?
buy banal pig comic number three?
i dont know ...any ideas?

Happy New Ye-arr!

Handsome Devil

I've decided to put an actual picture of myself as my profile pic.

Christmas

its the thing on everyones lips, thats right. i finished my shopping today, which is a world record because i usually finish some time after xmas. anyway, i've not really got a lot to say except merry christmas, winterval, yuletide etc. and thanks to everyone who's chipped in with comments and jokes and ting.

Lets have some jokes:

NOSE JOKES

Why are noses not that good at golf?

Because they always get a BOGEY!

What do do if the Nose asks you to join his strike?

PICKET!

What do tramp noses sell?

The Big TISSUE!

Why did the nose's mother think he might have a future as an athlete?

Because he was always RUNNING!

I demand more!

Tramps and Christmas

There was a tramp came in to my work the other day. i let him in through the locked door as its difficult to see whos there and most people when presented with a locked door have a mental embolism anyway. So this tramp comes in and i thought "oh shit" you know like you do and i listened to his little speech about how hes not a tramp he just needs some money to get to hospital. He then showed me this large gash on his arm which was yellow, softly scabbed and oozing, i agreed that it was in need of treatment and he said "theres more all over my body and started to lift his shirt up. I said "i beliive you pal"- id seen enough quite frankly. He then asked me what time it was- i said three o' clock. His reply was "in the daytime?" it was light outside, and the shops were open and yet he repeated in his irish tramp voice "tree o clock in de daytime?". i made him a coffee on the basis that he fucked off, but before he went his did an intense shiver that can only be described as blood-curdling.

i also eat a 20oz rump steak the other night; and the alarming part wasn't the size of the steak (it was about the size of A4 paper) but how easily it went down- i finished with no ill effects.

this is a picture of B&Q in leyton.

TRAMP JOKES

Whats a tramps favourite Richard Pryor film?

SPECIAL BREWsters Millions!

Whats a tramps favourite Bing Crosby song?

WHITE LIGHTNING Christmas!

c'mon!

BIRMINGHAM etc

So it's all over. Always the anti-climax these cons. On balance it was worth it but these things are never as profitable as you hope they might be. On the plus side, i got to meet my internet friends in real life (JVS, Mick's Secret Identity, Trains are Mint and Trains are mint's missus) and had a general good crack with all my bristol homies. The quality of the small press was a bit weak, and this may be to do with the somewhat prohibitive cost of having a stall (£70), but i enjoyed the new Monkeys Might Puke by Dan Lester and Paul Rainey's There's no time like the present, also the Midlands Comics Collective anthology was very good, excepting one or two ropey ones- "Wolf Force" or whatever it was called- im thinking of you. Hopefully the Web and mini comix thing in Mile End in March will have a bit more breadth of small press talent- i have to book a table for that.

Moving on, the 36-hour Pun Marathon in Birmingham has cemented the idea of the Banal Pig Jokebook, provisionally titled "Pun Pundred and Pun Puns" so keep those jokes flying in and those who make it into the book will receive a credit and a free jokebook woooooooo! also i might ask for illustrations for the jokes too, we'll see

We were rocking the Fish and Chocolate jokes the other night-

What happened when the chocolate reject the coconut?

There was a Mutiny on the BOUNTY!

What fish singer sang "PRAWN in the USA?"

Bruce LANGOUSTINE!

What did the fish Mama Cass sing?

BREAM a little BREAM of me!

Bonus Joke

Why did the Fig get arrested?

Because he was accused of DATE RAPE!


ppppppp!

The BANAL PIG TRILOGY and crap characters

He's back from the printers and looking good. I think that this issue nicely wraps up a few of the themes that have run through the other banal pigs and there's a few back references which make reading all three more enjoyable i reckon. This is a bit of a full stop, or if not a full stop then a semi colon you know ; as i plan to do a couple of different things, namely Ethel Sparrowhawk and a full length Cat Dad comic, plus the BP Portrait anthology before returning to Banal Pig 4. And BP4 will probably be in a different format. i dont know yet- its quite far down the line and will probably be informed by what i do in the meantime. i'd like to have a bit of colour in there, but at the scale i'm printing now, i couldnt make it cheap enough. A few new characters* hopefully.

are you listening Top Shelf/ Fantagraphics? will you pay?

Birmingham this weekend. Woo hoo!

*i've got a few characters that i've never found a decent story for-

Strong Baby
Truculent Strawberry- a stella drinking thug with a strawberry for a head
Dead Scrote- a zombie dole scrounger
Ignorant Horse
Gay Banana
Sexy Ghost- an attractive lady ghost with a strong sexual appetite that cannot be satisfied because she has no physical manifestation

what do you think? do any of these characters spark an interest? like to see more? think you can write a story for them? go on then, but i hold the copyrights.

oh yes, the BANAL PIG JOKEBOOK will also be coming soon, so some of YOUR better jokes could be in there. what about that? sounds good eh? Participation?

Unstructured post.

Ethel Sparrowhawk

I've set up a myspace for ethel sparrrowhawk, my next venture into funny books written by Jemima Von Schindelberg (Imitation of Life, right) . www.myspace.com/ethelsparrowhawk

meanwhile, i've checked the proof and i should get bp3 back today or tomorrow. huzzah!

i wish i could do hotlinks and all that, but i cant.

FFFFFIIIIINNNNNIIIISSSSHHHHEEEEDDDDD!!!!!!

I've Fucking FINISHED Banal Pig 3! i took it into the printers this morning, and all being well, it will be ready and beautiful midweek next week in good time for the Birmingham Comic Expo. I've had a few early mornings and late nights this week to get the fucking thing done but as it stands i think i've done okay. at the time of writing i'm getting a little bit pissed and i'm gonna well enjoy my lie in tomorrow (even though i've got to work). finished! i hope there's not some fuck up. anyway i see the proof on monday and i'll let you know how it's getting on. i can also now look forward to birmingham without a gnawing sense of desperation.

POTATO JOKES

What potato leads rats off cliffs?

The MARIS PIPER of Hamlyn!

What do you call a fried grated potato who is high on drugs?

A HASHISH BROWN!

Whats a potatos favourite 70's sitcom/drama based in Vietnam?

M*A*S*H!

Theres probably more... Do me proud blog lovers!

Incompetent Shark Number 8- In Full- Free!

Hello Friends!

Here's a mouthwatering hors d'ouevre from the 75%ish complete BANAL PIG COMIC 3! In full no less! Make the most of it- you'll have to pay for everything else.

Stevo's Hot Picks

I bought Michael Kupperman's Tales Designed to Thrizzle 3 yesterday. It's brilliant- even better than number 1 which i loved (i missed number 2 somehow). I also got a book which is a frame by frame breakdown of Psycho (the film) which is rather nice, from a bootsale. i also got some socks from GAP (stripy).

What are your hot picks?

Googling Myself/ Anthology

Every few days, i google myself and banal pig to see how famous me and my comics are. i am happy that if you google banal pig all the top ten are relevant to me and the comic, but theres this one that always hovers around number 11 which is from some feminist group where banal pig appears as an anagram of their name. this annoys me a bit. theres a steve tillotson who is an expert on afghan hounds, and also one that works for the dakota department of waste management.
i found a review of the anthology that i contributed to, dan lester's Crap Your Pants Anthology, which does suffer from the narrow subject field (shitting yourself). and fair play to dan, he has publicised it far and wide- it pops up all over the place (unfortunately it invariably gets slagged off). i did an uncle ken strip which was quite good, and the review says that mine is one of the four strips worth bothering out of the (18 story) anthology, which is fair enough.
i suppose its good to stand out in a thing such as this with your peers, and i'm happy with it obviously, but it makes me think about my own anthology i'm planning. anthologies are always let down by a few really shit things, and i am going to attempt to create one which has no shit in it. i think open submissions is a bad idea for this because it seems crap people have a lot of time on their hands, so i'm concentrating on inviting people that i know will produce the goods. hopefully having a mix of prose, art and comics will give it a bit of an edge.

is it possible, a 100% quality (small press) anthology? has anyone ever seen one?

What do you want to do when you grow up?

I dont know, perhaps i'll work in a storage centre, i'll probably stay in education for the first 24 years of my life, then i'm bound to get a good job, arent i? or perhaps getting a masters degree will just make it all the more humiliating when i get a job i could have done when i was 16. i know i'll make comics. this way i can spend the majority of my free time slaving over tiny details which will go unnoticed by the person who pities me enough to by a copy (while the other 100 go unsold) as he occupies himself in five idle minutes on the shitter.
the only career choice worse is to be a "proper" artist, where you spend all your money (earned at your shit job) on putting a show together on the off chance that someone with influence will see it and instantly catapult you to fame and fortune. what actually happens is your friends and colleagues come to the private view, drink all the booze which is laid on by you and go home. for the next 2 weeks you "invigilate" the show, as a maximum of 2 people visit per day at the gallery you are paying a kings ransom for and taking time off work to boot.

still, one day i'll make it and all this will be ironic and amusing. you just watch me...

It's Coming Already!

I have now finished 11 pages of 28 for Banal Pig three. I have five weeks left and although i'm confident i'll get it finished, i've got to get my arse in gear as i've got a lot of stuff on in november. In the spirit of the sneaky peek, heres the first two panels of Jolly Bear and fun coconut, which almost carries on from the seperate minicomic which they feature in which is STILL AVAILABLE, but hurry last few copies left!

My collaborator and great mate Gareth Van Brookes is putting out a MAN MAN Xmas special which is shaped like a party hat and he is including a little cracker style joke in each one. Here are some that we have come up with so far, but he needs your help with more...

XMAS JOKES

What do barbers have for Xmas dinner?

Turkey and all the TRIMMINGS!

What tax does Mayor Ken Livingstone levy on Londoners eating their christmas dinner?

INDIGESTION Charge!

What record of the days adventures does James T. Kirk make on Xmas Day?

The Captain's YULE LOG!

Come on friends- make a difference and your joke could really affect someones life!

New Anthology I'm putting together

Call for Applications

I am looking for contributions for a comic/writing anthology, entitled The BP (Banal Pig) Portrait Prize. There is no prize however, it’s just called that because of the real BP Portrait Prize (at the National Portrait Gallery in London), which is a bit rubbish. Anyway the theme of the anthology (unsurprisingly) is Portraiture, and this could take a number of forms, e.g. self-portraiture or a portrait of something/someone that you either love or hate.
The tone I’m looking for is light-hearted or tongue in cheek, and this can include weird and dark, but no po-faced tributes to your granddad or anything like that. It can be any of these forms:
Image and text
Comic Strip
Prose/ poetry
Or Large Pic/s with no text at all.

I’m not particularly bothered about technical artistic skill as long as it’s heart felt and genuine, and no shit please.

Email me at stevotillotson@hotmail.com if you’re interested.

Pop Jokes

What is the rare and exotic pop that faces extinction?

The Bengal TIZER!

What is the hilarious comedy starring the pop Richard Pryor?

IRN BRU-sters millions!

Why was the frenchman satisfied with his orange pop?

Because it was the LAST TANGO IN PARIS!

What was the fizzy pop Eurovision also ran?

ORAN-GINA G!

What's a pop's favourite game show?

The Price is SPRITE!

Try it yourself, and i'll see you next time!

OH YES! ITS BISCUIT JOKES!

Which popular biscuit duo were formerly in 10cc and had hits including "Cry" and "Under your Thumb?"

Godley and CUSTARD CREAM!

What is biscuit christmas also known as?

The DIGESTIVE season!

What was the famous scottish biscuit prince?

BOURBON-nie Prince Charlie!

What was the famous trilogy of nonsense written by the biscuit JRR Tolkein?

Lord of the COCONUT RINGS!


Come on, i have high hopes from you punsters, expecially you JVS!

The empowered individual

What ho, my 32 profile viewers! now's your chance to make a difference to at least half a dozen peoples lives. Please vote for your favourite cover for banal pig comic number 3 out of the two rough sketches presented above. Even if you dont care, get involved. why not? i expect great things from you, the empowered individual!

hello. this is a frame from a new BP character, Irate Robot, although he is not particularly irate at this point.

EGG JOKES

what does the egg lord of the manor not tolerate in his grounds?
POACHING!

what does the egg frank sinatra sing?
come FRY with me!

what do the egg smiths sing?
that YOLK isn't funny anymore!

whats the popular song sung by timon and pumba in the egg lion king?
hakuna FRITTATA!

5 down, 23 to go

so here's a little glimpse of banal pig 3, our good friends bp junior and ambivalent elephant junior engaged in more fancies. i'm not showing the whole thing because quite frankly it's too good to give away for free. i'm not a benevolent web comic maker, you have to pay for my shit. i went to the royal college of art dont you know.
as the title suggests, i've finished five pages, so only have to finish another 23 and get it laid out and printed in 2 months before the birmingham comic thing. i'm confident it'll be ready, and i'll probably do a freebie minicomic too, but i've not decided what form that will take yet.

summet for t'ladies

hello, how are you? fine thanks. good. changeable weather isn't he? quite, quite. did you know the bristol dialect puts an l on words that end in a vowel? well its true. for example, idea becomes "ideal", area becomes "areal" and Asda "Asdal". Thats funny isnt it? how those funny commoners talk. so i found this little cart in an antique/junk shop which someones painted "emmerdale farm" on. it must be an antique because its not been called emmerdale farm for ages, its just emmerdale. funny mood today? yes me too.

Stuff like that and stuff like that

A double shot of pictures today- the first a man taking a piss outside our house taken by my girllfriend the other night. look closely and you can see his widgy, and number two being a picture of "vampirella" which i did at the bristol comic expo as a freebie, but no-one wanted it and i dont really want it either so i will publish it electronically before i gets binned.

VEGETABLE JOKES

What's a vegetable's favourite bridge?

The cuc-HUMBER bridge!

What does the vegetable miss world wish for?

World PEAS!

What single did the vegetable Ini Kamoze release?

Here come the HOT PEPPER!

What single did the vegetable prince release?

little red COURGETTE!

COME ON DOWN!

on the way to work

herewith is some people i see on my way to work. i walk and it takes about half an hour

Young Goth Girl with pink ruck sack

Russian looking girl with penis nose- why do eastern europeans dress like whigfield?

Plain Girl no. 1- nothing to write home about

Guy who gives me evils- he has a tattoo and everything

Twat who cycles on pavement with his shit bike and white socks- I HATE HIM! who cycles on the pavement other than under 12's? I HATE HIM!

Blonde girl with alien face- although she is quite attractive

Big Issue seller (no thanks mate)

Woman with hypnotically large round arse- it wobbles, oh yes it wobbles

Bloke who looks like a troll- although he carries no club

(Ug) Leigh who works at TK Maxx

Guy who looks like an attractive woman from a distance (long hair)

Girl who looks like a witch

Plain Girl no.2 (and plain girl no.2 's boyfriend)- although i dont see her much anymore, i hope it's not ended in tears.

Fish Face -a singularly ugly woman with head like a pear and face like a monkfish. She is so ugly, and whatever she wears, even on dress-down friday, she always has her big disgusting belly out. Not that i am against a bit of ladyfat, but she is a beast.

Old pink fleece woman- she usually gives me evils as well

Big breasted sisters

Stocky guys numbers one and two

Three men and a haircut (three nobheads, one of whom has a jazzy hairstyle)

Tramps in park- one has diy tattoos on his face- (what kind of job will get looking like that?)

Smackhead woman


who do YOU see on your way to work?

Busy

I'm really busy at the moment. I have to get my tax return done by 30th September after i foolishly registered as self employed for my comics, i've got to get Banal Pig III done by the Birmingham Comic Expo in December, (looking ever more unlikely), a story for a Dead By Dawn horror compilation which is set in the Victorian era so i've got to add a lot of historical detail (by end of september), Ethel Sparrowhawk, plus it's my girlfriends birthday in two weeks so i've got to get her presents. Also, a full length Cat Dad comic is on the back burner.
I dont get paid for any of this stuff, it is a "labour of love" as they say and its a bit on top of me at the moment.

I've really got to get that fucking tax return done.

The photo is one of approximately ten million i took of Basic Instinct off the telly (after i videoed it) for the artwork for the Fun Coconut story from Jolly Bear and Fun Coconut Summer Special in which he imagines various scenes from Basic Instinct. Unfortunately i couldnt quite get a clear enough shot of this bit, where Sharon Stone digs her nails into his back while they are "making love" and he lunges forward and grimaces right into the camera.

More Ethel pics and crisp jokes

Due to popular demand, heres another sketch from "ethel sparrowhawk".



CRISP JOKES

what kind of crisps do mindless thugs like?

Ready ASSAULTED!

what kind of crisps does a snowman with bad feet like?

FREEZE and BUNION!

make one up yourself- i dare you!

It's easy to laugh, it's easy to hate, it takes guts to be gentle and kind

As posted by others recently, here are my things that i like, although i couldnt quite make 100

Reasons to be cheerful

1. Police Camera Action! And other such police fly on the wall documentaries
2. Turkish Delight Chocolate
3. Perfectly drawn cartoon characters like Asterix
4. The sound of a Fender Rhodes piano
5. The first sup of cold lager after a hot, hard days work
6. A stupid pun
7. Victorian era novels, H G Wells, Jerome K Jerome, Arthur Conan Doyle
8. Falling asleep in front of the telly
9. Poking about in rock pools
10. A warm-lipped kiss
11. The look of Carry-On films
12. Finding a great new indie comic
13. A nice steak
14. Football
15. Going to an excellent restaurant
16. A brilliant riff- Led Zepellin, Rolling Stones, even Muse
17. Flutes on Rock Records
18. Having a nice pair of pants and a nice pair of socks on
19. Winning on a fruit machine
20. The beginning of Baba O’ Reilly by The Who
21. Old (well illustrated) children’s books
22. Finding a good record in a charity shop
23. Home made chips
24. Old (Vintage) St. Michael Striped Shirts (from Marks and Spencer)
25. Days off
26. Something for free that you actually want

Ethel Sparrowhawk

The image you see before you is a sneak preview of my forthcoming collaboration with Jemima Von Schindelberg (Click the Imitation of Life link, right) called Ethel Sparrowhawk. Ethel is generally downtrodden and unlucky in life and tries to do something about it. I'm very enthusiatic about the project, which will be a nice departure from my usual low-brow offerings. Expect it early next year...

Supermarket Etiquette

Hi pals. If you see me in Asdal or Texo or any other supermarket, and you happen to be behind me in the queue, do me a favour- KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE. There's nothing that winds me up more than encroachers, but most specifically in the supermarket setting. Whats wrong with waiting until ive packed my bags and paid before you even think about coming past me and standing at the bottom? Bastards.

p.s. why didnt i notice that i wrote SAVE instead of say on the title of my previous post?

I just called to save you love me

There was a repeat of The Two Ronnies on last night, when Ronnie Corbett was blacked up as Stevie Wonder in a pastiche of I just called to say i love you. It was a singular and somewhat unnerving sight i can tell you, because it was so accurate. Its stayed with me all day.

***Click on BUY MY PRODUCTS on the left and you can buy my products*** (Advertisement)

This is a picture of Bobby Video on Lea Bridge Road, Walthamstow. i was on the bus which is why its blurry- i just chose it at random from my photos. This was my favourite shop name, along with Ken Machines in Hackney when i lived in London. What's Your favourite Shop Name?

FRIDAY CULTURAL PICK- i'm reading The Thousand and One Nights. It's brilliant.

Aww, Bless!

I realised that it really annoys me when people say "bless you" when you sneeze, and then look at you like you're supposed to thank them for pointing out this involuntary bodily thing. Plus, isnt it some kind of christian throwback thing about your soul escaping when you sneeze? By this logic, your soul could escape when you burp or fart. I'd like someone to smile and say "bless you" when i've ripped off a nauseating power-blaster; its only as disgusting as projecting spit everywhere whilst shouting, which is what a sneeze boils down to.

what do you call the roman emperor with a tickly nose?

Julius SNEEZER!

what do you call the mouse roman emperor?

Julius CHEESER!

what do you call the chocolate roman emperor?

Julius MALTESER!

32 Profile Views and counting

Since about day 2 of my blog i have had 32 profile views. what a crock, and moreover what a waste of my amusing stories and pictures. i demand more views this instant, and as such have posted a picture of baby jesus and the Madonna to make you think about yourselves.

No i havent, because every time i try and post it, Safari crashes. I hope you're all very proud of yourselves.

Whats the problem? is it because i'm i dont like Doctor Who, or i'm not gay or have issues?
In fact, i'm probably in the biggest majority group i could possibly be in; I'm a white, straight, western, english-speaking male aged 18-30, therefore it's not surprising i occupy the banal for most of the time.

However i like comics, and hope i make things of beauty which puts me in a minority.


also i dont like mustard or soap operas.

whats my point? hard to tell.

Stevo's Film Club

We went to see Nacho Libre on tuesday. Its the new film from Jared Hess, the director of Napoleon Dynamite, but the subject matter, mexican luchadores (wrestlers) is quite far removed from Napoleon's high school antics. I thought it would be a bit difficult to get into as it begins with Jack Black as a monk doing a dodgy spanish accent, but once they start wrestling there was a lot of really funny (mostly slapstick) moments. If you like Jack Black (i do) you'll most probably like the film, if you dont you wont, especially if you were expecting Napoleon Dynamite 2. The direction is centred around Jack Black's performance and theres a few unnecessary fart gags in there, and lacks a lot of the subtlety which made ND so brilliant.

i thought it was worth £3.75 (bargain matinee price) but Julie didnt. its a lot of fun.

Turkish Delight

Cadbury's started making Turkish Delight again after the salmonella scare. i was prepared to take my chances, and i'm over the moon that its back.

Joke Competition No. 1:

What do Sharks like for Breakfast?

Come on friends, dont let me down!

Banal Pig Comic Number Three

Well Banal Pig Comic Number three has been started in earnest today, and hopefully will be ready for the Birmingham Comic Expo in December. When i mean started, i mean doing all the drawings all nice like, i've got a lot of the stories worked out- expect more Fez Man, Ambivalent Elephant, Incompetent Shark, Ugly Mind Reader, Lickle Bastard (probably), Cat Dad plus new character Irate Robot and "The Ballad of Homeless Goose", the foul mouthed tramp we first met in bp2. I'll probably do another Feeder and Wife as well, but i've not thought of a story yet.
The jury's still out on Retard Dad- i asked readers to vote on whether they wanted to kill him off and so far the tally is 2-0 in favour of continuing the adventures, but maybe if more people voted we could get rid of him. retard dad really started out as an exercise in being as offensive as possible, and if he returns there will be some blasphemy i think, but i've calmed down a bit since then in terms of shock value.
This is as much of a published incentive to get things moving as anything, and i really should get on with it.


***If you don't know what i'm talking about, click on the Banal Pig Website link on the right for info on the first two comics***

and look out for little teasers of the new stuff as and when i do it.

Why do mythical sea monsters like rice krispies?

because of the snap, KRAKEN and pop!

Pirates, AAAArgh!

So we watched Pirates of the Caribbean 2 yesterday, subtitled The Curse of the Unresolved Plotline. It was fairly entertaining and the special effects were as good as you'd expect, but out of the 10 or so plotlines that we are presented with, exactly none are resolved within the film. Fair enough, have a sequel, but give me some closure dammit! wrap up one plotline, that would do. Further to this, there was a lot of references to inconsequential bits of the first one which suddenly become important and although i thought the first one was really good, i saw it once about 18 months ago.

it had a kraken though. aaaaaargh! tis the kraken!

this is a soap pig from turriff show (see below)

I've been away- but now i'm back

So i've been on holiday. What's that you ask? At which vacation hotspot did i summer? Biarritz? Monte Carlo? Mauritius?
Close, my friends but no. This year i had it large at Turriff, Aberdeenshire, famous for the decorated trainer, pictured.
This was the craft exhibition at the Turriff Show of course and was behind some chicken wire as you're not allowed to touch (forsooth!) because the jewels might come off. Other such craft items on show were the six inch knitted square, the fruit and vegetable modelling and decorated biscuit, not to mention the soap modelling.

Wish you were there? I'll fucking bet you do.

COLOUR

having said last week i didnt want to think about colour ("comics rant") i thought about it and had a go. i'm going to do a full colour A7 minicomic and as its just one printed side of A4, i can do it all myself.

Round Jean-Claude Van Damme’s House

I never wanted to come here in the first place. I like JC, but his in-your-face machismo is too much for me at times. I’m from Yorkshire. The dinner party he had planned for the evening started off well enough- everyone else was there already and we had some Liebfraumilch and cheese straws.
The drawing room was tasteful enough in it’s décor, wood panelling, nice big telly, but the glass case full of pewter dragons with jewels seemed slightly incongruous (he later explained they were his ex-wife’s, and he didn’t have the heart to get rid of them).

So the first course, moules marinieres- I said “are these mussels from Brussels?” but no-one seemed to find it funny. The dining room has an impressive glass table and he has a bang and olufsen stereo (they cost a bomb!). Main- Coq-Au-Vin. A bit heavy on the wine but eatable. I got some gravy on my shirt which made me self-conscious and started to get the impression everyone was staring at me.

Pudding- Knickerbocker Glory. Delicious.

It was obvious that everyone was much more drunk than me and the party became ever more racy as the evening went on. One of the ladies started to take her clothes off. Although I am a red-blooded male and a fan of the female form, this was getting too rich for my blood. JC poo-pooed my protestations that this was getting out of hand- it seemed he was actively encouraging this sexiness! By this time other revellers were getting involved and I was getting very uncomfortable. I asked JC what his daughters would make of this debauchery, and shouted at everyone, calling them disgusting perverts or something (I was raging, I don’t know what exactly I said in the heat of the moment). He tried to calm me down, saying he thought that I would enjoy it, that I should “loosen up”, and so on. I left, and told JC not to call me again.

When I got home, I realised what a fool I’d been. Why do I always ruin sexy parties?

comics rant

I love comics, and everything they stand for. I got beano and buster as a young man, but the world of “adult” comics really passed me by until a few years ago, because I am a proper artist and that kind of thing is ignored at art school, on the fine art courses I’ve encountered anyway. This is a real shame I think, because, as most of you discerning readers out there will know there can be a massive amount of scope for all kinds of emotive devices, which are not at odds with what most fine art tries to do and invariably fails. Maybe I’m getting a bit off the point, but I know the kind of comics I make are well in tune with the point of view expressed in my paintings, but much more direct and blatant, which is probably where the humour lies.

Anyone who has tried to make a comic will know how hard it is, and the more involved and intricate you make it, the more the decisions you have to make multiply themselves. For example, if someone is on the phone, firstly can I draw a phone? Is the phone that I can draw without looking one up the right phone for the décor? If not can I find what that phone looks like, and if not, should I change the décor to match the phone? It’s a fucking phone! It doesn’t make any difference to the story, characters or anything. What does wallpaper look like? Yeah right. Try looking up wallpaper on google images and see how far you get. Christina Aguileira for your desktop, nothing at all drawable, some shitty jpeg that doesn’t show the pattern.

Plus perspective, making the characters look vaguely the same in each frame, lettering, the right balance of light and dark. I’ve not even thought about doing anything in colour, no thanks.

Anyway this was meant to be about how I came across the work of Dan Clowes in Falmouth College’s Art Library, which resonated with me and sparked an interest in what’s known as indie comics. I bought everything by Clowes I could lay my hands on- Like a Velvet Glove Cast in Iron being my favourite, that shit is fucked up.
From there I got into Chris Ware, whose stunning graphical work and historical detail demonstrates how hard he works to make a comic with every frame. His Acme Novelty Library (I know they’re all called that-the big red one I’m talking about) makes me shake my head with wonder like someone looking at something that they thought couldn’t be done and being proved wrong.

Anyway, I’ve got to make my tea (dinner) now, but I also like Tony Millionaire’s Sock Monkey, Michael Kupperman’s Tales Designed to Thrizzle (I want number 2, anyone got one?), Martin Cendreda’s Dang, Tom Gauld, Robert Crumb, Jeffrey Brown, plus many others.
I’ll probably talk about the small press people that I like later.

Yeah comics!

Grandma

here's a sneaky peak from my new strip done for a monkeys might puke anthology, and is grandma in the home after commiting a transgression. it looks a bit like whistler's mother (see i know about real art and that).

what's an insect's favourite tom jones song?

the green GREEN FLY of home!

What's the new?

This week, my cultural picks are

1) The Tales of Woodsman Pete by Lilli Carre
2) Eraser by Thom Yorke
3) Spirited Away by Hayao Miyazaki
4) The Dynamiter by Robert Louis Stephenson

I can't be bothered reviewing them, i just liked them all, i know spirited away is quite old, but it was on the 100 greatest family films on sunday and i remembered how good it was so i went and bought it.

Stay tuned for more picks, but don't hold your breath because i hardly ever buy anything.

Why Don't You?

Friends, passers-by, on-lookers, greenhorns, bigots, foes, lovers, strangers, ne'er-do-wells, customers, the young-at-heart, gypsies etc. hear this, and mark these words well;

the aforementioned banal pig comics, jolly bear summer special and their sister publication man man and friends number 1 are now available at lit + neon, a fine boutique-cum-art-cum-music shoppe just off brick lane in shoreditch, east london.

Furthermore, these fine tomes are also available at Gosh Comics, Great Russell Street and the BookArtBookshop, Shoreditch (both London), Travelling Man in Bristol and Leeds, and other shops to be confirmed shortly.

i greatly appreciate all comments and critiques, any acts of support and of course purchases, so please check out these shops if you can, or check out the myspace and website linked on the right.

Thanks for listening pals,

C U Next Time xxxxx

Another Old Story and more ghost jokes

Mystery Ghost House



Four Teenagers are investigating a mystery. They are in a scary looking house, ripped curtains, cobwebs, dust, broken windows, everything. They split up, which is their first mistake. One of the boys, who has a dog, is left downstairs while the other three, two girls (one attractive, one plain) and the other boy look for clues upstairs.

Time passes. The boy with the dog has stopped looking for clues (he is the least enthusiastic mystery solver of the group) and is sat near the kitchen table, eating a hot dog he has procured from somewhere. He is disgruntled at being left with only a dog for company. The dog also eats a hot dog and then precedes to sniff around. Suddenly, the dog starts barking at something over the boy’s shoulder. He turns around and to see a man in a crude monster costume heading for him. The boy fails to see the gravity of the situation. He is grabbed by the masked figure who easily overpowers him. The boy stumbles in the struggle and as he falls, cuts his head on the edge of the table. He is knocked unconscious. The dog, although large, is not aggressive and clearly disturbed by the scuffle, tries to hide underneath the table. The dog cowers and involuntarily shits.

The costumed man runs upstairs to hunt down the others.


What budget car does a ghost drive? A DaeWOO! Matiz

What luxury car does a ghost drive? A B.M. Double-WOO!

What's a ghost's favourite 1980's soul combo? GHOUL and the gang!

Painting of children

Advertising Feature and Story

Hello Friends.

The picture accompanying this text is the front cover of Jolly Bear and Fun Coconut Summer Special, my latest comic
which has just been reprinted due to the success of the original limited edition run. It has a story about Jolly Bear living in squalor in Hackney, and also a story about Fun Coconut's pastimes, which include the film Basic Instinct- previews on my myspace page, linked on the right there----~

if you would like a copy, they cost £1.50 inclusive of UKp&p, please contact me for details. Don't forget, Banal Pig Comics 1 and 2 and Man Man comic are also available (check out the website, also linked, right.

Here's a short story i wrote once about being a cuckold.


Doodle



Just over a year ago, I was delivered the news that my wife was having an affair. This information I took to be true as the messenger was my wife herself, who chose to ring me at work at 1.07pm on a perspirant Monday. Before she broke the news I detected a tension in her voice and she seemed vague and troubled, but at the time my only concern was for her, and I asked what was wrong. Had I realised what was to come, I would have put my pen down and braced myself for the imminent and inevitable reaction stew of nausea, anger, humiliation and disbelief. Instead, believing this phone call to be nothing out of the ordinary, I was contentedly putting the finishing touches on a cartoon drawing of a man with a fancy top hat and huge comedy nose.

This may seem like a somewhat trifling detail compared with the news that the woman I loved was about to ruin my life, and so it should have been. But as my wife finally confessed I stared fixedly at the drawing, admiring its graceful curves and sublime blend of humour and pathos, and I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything. It was as if I had forgotten what it was like to feel emotion.

At this point, a sceptical reader may suspect that in fact I did not love my wife and my lack of concern was due to an ambivalence towards her. I assure you this was not the case, and although I cannot claim to be the most sensitive male on the planet, at the time I was deeply and honestly in love with her.

Seconds, minutes passed and my wife took my lack of a response for stunned silence. In reality I was in a state of bemusement waiting for the emotional numbness to give way to a terrible swelling of hatred or disgust, or anything. As I felt I needed to give some kind of response I gently put the phone down and sat back in my chair.
I thought that it must be shock and that at any moment I would burst into tears but my mind was as clear as it had ever been. I even tried to make myself angry by picturing my wife in the process of cuckolding me, but I remained strangely serene and all I could really think about was my drawing with its cheeky face.

I thought at first this lack of negative emotion was some kind of blessing, after all who wouldn’t prefer to strike misery from their roster of feelings? However, it was soon evident that happiness and satisfaction were also lacking from the place they formerly occupied in my life. All feeling gone from my life; with one exception. I felt something, like none of the old emotions, like a mixture of a mild orgasm and a sick feeling, but with many more unfamiliar and indescribable ingredients. And it was all when I looked at this drawing, this crumpled piece of notepaper, and the feeling was strong and palpable. When I looked away or shut my eyes it was gone within seconds, when I looked back at the paper there it was, strong, dark and addictive.

My life was much better when I was looking at the picture than when I wasn’t, so I took to staring at it for long periods; hours, days. I was aware that the cheap paper of the drawing was rapidly deteriorating into furry dust as I was handling it so much. I took photographs but the pictures didn’t have the same effect. They just looked like poor photographs of a scrag of paper. Photocopies were the same. It was the original or nothing.

I was resigned to losing my drawing to the ether, but before it went I decided to make the most of it and prepared myself for a marathon looking session. Finally, after four and a half days, my eyes burning and crusty, my bones aching and my skin raw, the picture finally vanished.

I fell asleep for a while, and had a shower. I thought to myself that I really should go back to work.

I fancy everybody- directors cut 2006

the following was originally on myspace but now its gone, but now its back, originally in two parts, here it is in all its glory.

i fancy:

Carol Vorderman
Jordan
The Queen
Margaret Thatcher
Patsy Kensit (in Lethal Weapon II)
Sarah Beeny
Sharon Stone
Clare Rayner
Keira Knightley
Christine Hamilton
Your Ugly Mum
Natasha Kaplinski
Sonia from Eastenders
Dannii Minogue
Lorne Spicer from Car Booty
Claire Sweeney
Trisha Goddard
Linda Lusardi
Gail from Coronation Street
Olive from On The Buses
Joan Rivers
Catherine Zeta Jones
Samantha Fox
Sally Gunnell
Naomi Campbell
Shannon Tweed
Estelle Getty from “Stop or My Mom will Shoot”
Margaret Beckett
Moira Stewart
Bella Emberg
Kate Lawler
Vanessa Feltz
That Colleen (Wayne Rooney’s Girlfriend)
Gillian Anderson from X Files
Teri Hatcher
Heather Small from M People
Dorian from Birds of a Feather
Nightshade from Gladiators
Hattie Jacques
The Sawalha Sisters
Kirsty Allsop from Location Location
Linda Bellingham
Sonia
Michaela Strachan
Jenny Agutter
Mad Lizzie
Cherie Blair
Anneka Rice
Diane-Louise Jordan
Rose West
Thora Hird
Condaleeza Rice
Patricia Routledge
Helen Daniels off Neighbours
Maureen Rhys from Driving School
Janet Street Porter
The mum off Back To The Future
Your Moaning Girlfriend
Leslie Ash (with trout pout)
Angela Lansbury
Marlene from Only Fools and Horses
Lisa Stansfield
Lynn Foulds-Wood
Princess Diana
That little black woman off Police Academy.


I fancy everbody.

top cat dad

this is a little bit from another new comic, a full length cat dad adventure. the comic will be split between the 60's style that bp fans will know from the previous stories in banal pig number 2, and a top cat pastiche, as seen here in rough form, where we get to see what cat dad gets up to and what he thinks about things, along with his friend benny (quite blatant top cat ripoff/homage, his ex-wife cissy seen here and his son alex from his marriage to cissy, who is obnoxious.

it probably should be explained that cat dads new family are humans, and his wife maintains that her son was fathered by the cat, leading to all sorts of fun and jollity when a social worker comes snooping....

make up a joke today!

keeping the mind active stops alzheimers and other degenerative brain diseases, so make up a joke- it's fun and it exercise those "grey cells". just pick a theme e.g. "ghosts".

here are some ghost jokes i made up

how does a ghost like his steak?
meduim SCARE!

what does a ghost insist upon when checking in to a hotel?
a room with a WOOOO!

me and my friend had a lot of fun and made up many a ghost joke.

try it yourself, and i'll see you next time

go kart krazy

so heres a rough drawing of a strip ive been working on, "go-kart krazy" (title might change if i can think of a better pun on either "go" or "kart"). this is banal pig junior and ambivalent elephant junior, who are caught between an idealised nostalgic 1950's style world, hence ambivalent elephant is building the go kart, and todays not so nice world, with mobile phones and that. i try not to be preachy and im not saying one is better than the other, i just like the contrast.

anyway, banal pig jnr is chatting street-style on his mobile to his old pal "dasheeki from the hood" and if anyone has any suggestions of amusing street lingo of the south london type (e.g they better know themself, bare/bear, all up in my face etc) i'd be glad to hear it.

1st post

hello.

i am going to put my current ideas for my comics on this blog, plus any old bits of writing that have been on my myspace but since been wiped because you're only allowed to have ten or summing.

so if anyone's out there give me some feedback and ting, it'll be great.